Hope exams are going well for those who are still in the midst of them! Also that the Army/Police guys are keeping well. And that those who have finished / don't have exams will have a fruitful holiday not just of "chillax" all the time but fruitful growth in Christ. Keep on praying for one another yeah!
As a follow-up to our last PCG discussion, this is an article i wrote in June 2006 for the VCF newsletter Epistole. It's been slightly edited since then, and here it is. BTW i am not always right, let's discuss this at our next PCG.
P.S. Leann is flying of 13th and Audrey 14th, so maybe we can have a PCG outing this Sat /Sun evening? Some of us will be involved in the Youthphoria planning retreat that day (myself included, in the daytime)...so either Sat or Sun? Can someone pls make the arrangements? :)
P.P.S. Please send the stuff to Leann folks!!
Dating and Courtship—A Christian’s Perspective
Guy: “Excuse me, do you have a raisin?”
Girl: “Erm… No I don’t…”
Guy: “Oh in that case, would you like a date?”
Dating and courtship are highly significant issues in the lives of youths around the world. The feeling of “falling in love”, the tension of wondering if “he/she likes me”, the excitement of going on a first date—are all powerful, yet familiar, emotions experienced by many young people. Across almost all cultures, marriage assumes a place of great importance in both the life of individuals, and in their respective families and communities. Thus, the process of deciding whom to marry is one that is viewed with seriousness. For Christians, the importance of marriage is clear: marriage is intended as a permanent matter ordained by God (Matthew 5:32; Mark 19:1-12). We must therefore choose wisely and carefully.
In Western societies, the processes of dating and courtship are the primary means by which a couple decides whether to marry—a method largely adopted by contemporary Singaporeans. However, arranged marriages are still relatively common in other societies even today: dating is in fact but a modern 19th century invention. Understandably therefore, the Bible is silent on the issue of dating and courtship. It does, however, have much to say with regards to marriage. Drawing from the Bible and coupled with a brief historical survey of dating as a social phenomenon, this essay attempts to provide a Christian understanding of dating and courtship, arguing that love encompasses more than just romance, and that courtship can be an effective platform for one to learn to demonstrate agape love.
In the 1800s in America, courtship customs for the upper classes were very formal, with the man meeting his prospective spouse in her own home with her family. The lower classes did not have large enough homes for this purpose, and so young couples began to “set a date” to “go out” together, something which the upper class soon began to emulate. This therefore, is the likely genesis of modern phenomenon of “dating”.
During that time, the processes of dating and courtship largely overlapped. However, in the 1920s that these two processes began to diverge: dating became a more recreational activity, a means of socializing with the opposite sex, or of increasing one’s social status. The process of courtship became known as “steady dating”, where the couple’s focus was on determining mutual suitability for marriage. From this time on, the mate-selection process began to focus increasingly on romantic love as the basis for marriage.
However, the agape love of the Bible is very different from the romantic love commonly portrayed in contemporary mass media. The notion of love existing between a married couple actually predates dating. Isaiah 54 and Hosea 2:16-20 draw parallels between the God’s love for His people and the love that should exist between husband and wife. In the New Testament, Ephesians 5:25 exhorts husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (ESV), and to “love their wives as their own bodies” (v28). Thus the Bible affirms the importance of mutual, sacrificial love in a marital relationship. However, it is not clear that such love must necessarily exist before the marriage, given that marriages during Biblical times were almost all arranged ones! It seems that the love between man and wife is something to be developed over time—and this applies even to “love marriages” today!
Unfortunately, many contemporary couples, especially in America, subscribe to notions of living “happily ever after”, and of the need to marry their “perfect companion”. Researchers report that 94% of young singles view marrying one’s “soul mate” as of utmost importance, contrasting with the mere 42% who deemed it important to marry someone of similar religious belief. This is somewhat ironic, given that Scripture has little to say about God ordaining a particular “soul mate” for every individual.
What should we as Christians make of dating and courtship then? Well dating is certainly not morally wrong in and of itself. However, one ought to determine to maintain from the start sexual purity within the dating relationship. One should also heed the Biblical injunction not to cause unnecessary emotional hurt to fellow believers by “leading them on” when one is not ready to make a deeper commitment towards a “steady dating” relationship. There is no harm in remaining as friends until one has reasoned and prayed over the matter, for there exists a real danger of the emotions running ahead of the mind and will, which is in fact contrary to the agape love presented in Scripture.
The above being said, we should also expect that breakups will happen should a couple find that they are unsuitable for marriage, and be mentally prepared for the resulting pain. Breakups need not be viewed as “failures”, but as the recognition that a couple are not suitable for a lifetime of marriage. That being said, having thoughtfully and prayerfully committed to a steady dating relationship, any breakup should likewise not be merely for frivolous reasons, but be carefully considered and acted out in agape love.
Thus, courtship can be a beneficial process by which one learns to demonstrate agape love—from entry into courtship to the process of courtship to even the possibility of a breakup—one learns to consider seriously one's words and actions, and the impact they have on another person. Even if the courtship does not eventually lead to marriage, it is possible for one to come out of it learning more about oneself and thus become a better “lover” in future. After all, love for a Christian couple is not simply romance, nor even a mere emotion—Biblical love is one that is expressed in action, one that makes sacrifices, one that is imperfect, but seeks to grow and develop with each passing day.
References:
Cate, Rodney M., & Lloyd, Sally A. Courtship. Newbury Park, CA.: Sage Publications, 1992.
Ingoldsby, Bron B. “The Mate Selection Process in the United States”. In Raeann R. Hamon & Bron B. Ingoldsby, eds. Mate Selection Across Cultures. Thousand Oaks, CA.: Sage Publications, 2003.
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